Two weeks ago my little men came down with nasty colds. Followed by my eldest crying and complaining about his ears. My youngest was coughing. After much humming and hawwing I decided to take the youngest with us on the doctors visit. I was sure my eldest had ear infections. Not so sure the coughing my youngest was doing was anything other than post nasal drip.
Hours later it was no surprise that my eldest had a double ear infection. What did surprise me was that my youngest, brand new reconstructed ear, was so infected it was on the point of rupturing! we were sent home with two weeks of antibiotics and a warning to watch my little mans ears.
Some history here is important. my little guy has been suffering with ear pain since infancy. Only last year we discovered that he had a tumor in his ear that ate out his entire middle ear and did some serous damage to other areas in and around the ear and sinus region. never once does this beautiful boy ever complain about ear pain. On many occasions, his infections have been found like this with no tall tale signs of fever or crankiness or crying at night. So going home with a bulging ear drum that was just newly installed and knowing that the vulnerable little bones that were just set are at risk is not fun. Many days I asked and probed if he was ok. To which he always said yes. After two weeks, when he was cranky I just chalked it up to Kindergarden tiredness. besides we had a follow up visit scheduled for monday anyway. I didn't think twice, after two weeks of antibiotics, when I took him for his dentist visit and gave permission to fill his tooth. So, I was very surprised when on saturday morning he had a hard film covering his ear canal. At which point all the warning bells went off. Too Late!
For the last few days I have been beating myself up over how I could have prevented all this from happening. How could I have let my little man down? How did I not know that he was in pain when he was cranky after school? That his infection didn't clear up as I thought. How could I insist that a cavity be filled when he was in pain? Why did this happen? After all that worry and multiple surgeries, how could I have let him down so very horribly?
Forgiveness is a very hard thing to come by. It is hard to forgive others for doing you harm. But, when it is you doing harm to your own child it is even harder. When in fact, There would have been nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. But, that doesn't seem to sink in. I find myself at multiple times during the day saying "I couldn't have stopped it". my friends and family all say, "you can't be inside his head". No matter what, I still feel horrible about it all.
Today, I am asking my friend, who is a nurse, if she can get me one of those lights for seeing in ears. At least then I can be inside his head. So when he is a bit off, I can just check his ear. And I won't have to rely on him. he just doesn't feel the pain the way we would. Now that his new ear drum has a hole he is happier. I guess the pressure is off him. now we just keep our fingers crossed and hope that it closes it and that his new small bones held up. Only a few more months of waiting left. July is just around the corner.
